I'm Not Morbid, My Blog Is

It's been awhile since I have written...... That last sentence sounded like a confession to a priest. There I go doing it again, I try to write and it comes out serious and depressing. Recently, I wanted someone to look at my writings on here. Well, that person read them and enjoyed them very much. Then, that person looked at me and asked " Why are you so upset in them?". To which I replied " I'm not". So, I woke up this morning and read over my blogs, that person was right, kind of.

So, I scoured my notebooks for poems and screenplays. All the poems were about loss and suffering, with the exception of a few. I looked at some comedy screenplays I started about a pregnant girl framing a depressed virgin to be the father of her child ( Cheesy, I know). At first it's funny, then it seemed to dig more into the psychosis of these characters. It lost its comedy roots and became a sad drama with strains of comedy. A part of screenplay writing is to escape the shell of reality, to find a world in which even in serious situations there can be over the top humor. I am a funny guy, but when I was reading the screenplay, I read the thoughts of someone who had been hurt by the world, which is completely untrue.

I have had hundreds of people love me throughout my life. I am truly blessed in every definition. So, why would my writings seem this way? All I can conjure up is I try to hard and I should probably let go of some of the seriousness in my work. I imagine a flower and I end up writing about the seed.

In closing, just thought I would let everybody know that I am happy. I didn't have abusive parents, I have only had my heart broken once ( Which is normal ), and I have been loved every minute of my life by someone or something.

The Gamble and The Loss

Recently I went to a casino in Wetumpka Alabama. I won five hundred dollars, then I decided to keep betting. I ended up with absolutely nothing. It reminded of another time, a time when I made a even bigger gamble and ended up with nothing. Once, in 2005-2006, I had a choice to either gamble all of my heart on a chance with one person or give my heart to another person who actually wanted it.

The Gamble

So I took the chance and went all in for the person who didn't feel the same way. For the longest time, I thought it was worth it, that maybe one day it would work out. It didn't work out, which I am grateful. If it would have, nothing would be right and I would have lost one of my best friends. I wouldn't trade that for the world, but we would have been best friends regardless. I just went the wrong direction and I can only blame myself for this. I hate that this isn't a situation that I can do the cliche " I wouldn't change a thing" because I absolutely would.

The Loss

Now for the other person, the one I should have gone after. This is the person I lose the chance to have a relationship with. At one time this person would have given me a chance. A chance to have something I haven't been able to have since that offer. By choosing the opposition, I lost this chance. Now, there isn't a day that goes by, that I don't think about this. I realize now that I truly cared for this person. Now she is with another, that she truly loves, because of my idiocy and inability to pay attention.

The Winnings

The satisfaction of knowing that choices do matter. That everyone effects another person's life. My decisions during that point of my life have caused both of these people ultimate happiness. It's my own little version of the Chaos Theory.

What's going to be left of me when this is all over?

Leftovers

Turning the page, becoming sane

The only way to avoid the pain

New pills, new advice

Learning how to pay the price

Price of growing, price of life

Price of losing all this strife

When losing strife, do I lose me

All the things I use to see

Where does the old me go

In memories, the mind's photos

To be locked away,for it was led astray

By burdens of the world today

Another Poem......Couplet Style.

Collide

If the Moon were to collide with the Sun

I would be forlorn, unable to run

Left to feel beaten and alone

For all of my hard work was never shown

Countless days and nights would seem such a waste

If this new disaster ever was faced

However the Sun will never hit the Moon

These situations are my daily tune

Sure disaster might be far away

but alas I already feel this way

So you need not worry about the Moon and the Sun

Because my disaster has already begun.

This Love is

My Love is

My love is for the mother that sits outside waiting for her child to return

For the man who took risk and ended up with nothing but love

For the old man who has nothing left but pictures of his family

For poets that never planned to rhyme

For pictures that people never planned to be in

For the millions that never get to live a normal life

For the few that get to have satin sheets

For the girl who sits in her leggings and does her make up

For simple chords on a acoustic guitar

For the butcher content with his life

For the boys and girls in wheelchairs with wandering eyes

For the lonely lady who watches over the neighborhood kids

For the woman who stays strong even when her world is crumbling

For the naive girl who sits waiting

For vulnerability in the invincible

For faith in the invisible

and most of all

My love is for you.

No Color.

The other day, I didn't have an answer to a simple question. A question I should have thought about a long time ago. That question is (What is your favorite color?). When asked this question I lied and just said the first color that came to mind. The day went on and I kept thinking about my favorite color and I never came to a conclusion. A man or woman's choice of color defines their character some say. Why can't I have a color? I need color that fits me perfectly, like everyone else. I tried picking at random but I am never satisfied with the choices. The few people I talked to about this said “pick white or black. It's either all colors or no colors ". How boring would that be? I'm not a fan of all the colors so White is out of the question and if I didn't want to have a color I wouldn't be in this pickle at all.

Maybe I can't pick a color because I can't figure out what I want to do with my life, or maybe because I can't be happy with any girl other than the one I can't have. So now I am going to put some colors and their definitions on here to see if I can find the perfect one.

Red
Red is the color of fire and blood, so it is associated with energy, war, danger, strength, power, determination as well as passion, desire, and love.

I am a strong person, I am filled with passion, and more than anything I desire to be loved. So Red is looking good right now. However, could all these things center around the fire and war aspect of the color. To feel passion, determination, and power for all the wrong reasons would be a huge conflict for me. Maybe Red is a bit radical.

Orange
Orange combines the energy of red and the happiness of yellow. It is associated with joy, sunshine, and the tropics. Orange represents enthusiasm, fascination, happiness, creativity, determination, attraction, success, encouragement, and stimulation.

Well here we go, a less radical red. I enjoy the creativity, attraction, and determination. The rest seems a bit much though. I want to be successful, but I don't want to constantly be infatuated with it. I have no desire to be fascinated and stimulated by success. I think that one day I would be lucky to be Orange but it's not me right now.

Yellow Yellow is the color of sunshine. It's associated with joy, happiness, intellect, and energy.

Ugh Yellow, I'm not a morbid person but this is just too much happiness. It seems so empty, like a lobotomy. The definition describes the color perfectly though. I can barely see it on my screen it is glowing so hard. Not for me.

Green
Green is the color of nature. It symbolizes growth, harmony, freshness, and fertility. Green has strong emotional correspondence with safety. Dark green is also commonly associated with money.

I almost picked Green a few times as my color. Growth, harmony, freshness, and fertility are a laid back person’s way of thinking. However, green also coincides with money, greed, and sickness. (Even though it wasn't in the definition ). These definitions contradict each other. Green isn't dependable.

Blue
Blue is the color of the sky and sea. It is often associated with depth and stability. It symbolizes trust, loyalty, wisdom, confidence, intelligence, faith, truth, and heaven.

Blue seems like a superhero. Blue will never let a person down and will always be there to save the day. The color has all the great qualities a person should have and enough mystery to be interesting. Blue is perfect, but most people aren't. I can say that most of the time I can be a blue, but when it comes down to it, no person can be that way all the time. It is a struggle to be blue all the time. When does blue ever get time to himself?

Purple
Purple combines the stability of blue and the energy of red. Purple is associated with royalty. It symbolizes power, nobility, luxury, and ambition. It conveys wealth and extravagance. Purple is associated with wisdom, dignity, independence, creativity, mystery, and magic.

This might be it. The good of blue mixed with the passion of red. for as long as I can remember I have been called King James. Nobility and ambition are two words I have been looking for the whole time in the color scheme definitions. I am also creative, independent, and to some mysterious. However, the radical qualities of red seem to seep through a bit more than the blue qualities. Power is so important to this color. I'm not sure how I would react to having an extreme amount of power. So until I figure that out for myself Purple can't be my color.

White
White is associated with light, goodness, innocence, purity, and virginity. It is considered to be the color of perfection.
Above is the definition of white. You can't see it because it isn't real anymore.

Black
Black is associated with power, elegance, formality, death, evil, and mystery.

Well, I am afraid of death, we know my issues with power, formalities are boring, and I am not evil. The only good qualities of black are the mystery and elegance. I'm not Black.

I know, there are hundreds of colors, but they all come from these basic colors. Eventhough, I have written it out, I still have no clue which color I may be. However, I have a few colors I would like to be now. If I am successful enough I can be a Orange, If I ever get confident enough I can be the Blue superhero, Or if I can ever guarantee I can control my emotions, maybe I can be that passionate Red.